In dealing with my mother's care, I felt constant panic: that I was going to handle her situation wrong, that I wasn't doing everything I could, or that I was never going to be able to manage it all. And yet, I knew my mother was going to die, so I didn't have to wait until that death to feel waves of intense grief come crashing down on top of all of that before she was even gone. Thankfully, something I think I've learned from my father - and that we have openly shared in conversation a few times since losing mom - is how to embrace my grief… to even lean into it on my own terms rather than let it control me. I openly share my experience, talk about how I felt, and share what I learned from it. Whether that's a joyful reminiscing with dad or some of mom's old friends, or watching sad YouTube music videos, or breaking down and crying my eyes out in my aunt's arms for a while one night in Greensboro, my willingness to embrace my grief has made it more manageable for me.
There's a wonderful interview in which Anderson Cooper talks to Andrew Garfield about the loss of Andrew's mother for a while, and I'd like to share that clip - as well as a few others - before I continue, because I think it really speaks to how I feel about my own grief, and how embracing it has actually given me the chance to feel closer to my mother, even after her death.
Anderson Cooper talks with Andrew Garfield:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ruMKk26pW8
Andrew and Elmo talk about Grief:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVlXbiP4x2E
Andrew Garfield explains his Grief to Stephen Colbert: